I figured it was time to check in about the Yoga.
Ok, I'm in!
WHAT?!?!
Yup, I'm a yogagoer! It is official I bought a one month pass for the special that they have going on in July.
WHAT!?!
Can you believe it, I am hardly believing it as I type this.
Remember when I said that I was counting down how many more times I had to go? Now when I go I am counting how many I have left.
WHAT!?!
Bikram yoga has a special on "take the 30 day challenge for $99.00" This means that you can go every day as often as you want for a hundred bucks. That is pretty good since the drop in fee is $20.
I have gotten myself to 2 days a week now, and as of July, I will go 4 days a week, during the challenge. I really am wanting this to help heal my body and to help increase the weight loss of course.
Now, I have no problem talking myself into going, I DO have a problem talking to myself to STAY IN THE ROOM.
About 1/2 to 3/4 through I'm ready to go home. So I begin telling myself that it's almost done. Once we hit janushirasana (Head to knee pose with stretching pose) paschimotthanasana I'm know I'm home free.
Another session achieved!
It's still a struggle to do the poses properly, but I'm doing what I can to the best of my ability which apparently gives you 100% of the benefits.
Let's hope so!
Diva M
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Finding a Mate on Ebay!
I'm watching the news the other day, and here is a 'news worthy' item. No, it wasn't the world crisis, war, death, famine, or crime; no, it was a beautiful blond, Florida woman, who was tired of not meeting a man and was selling her home (with bride) on Ebay.
THIS, is news worthy? Please. Had she been ugly and not a real estate agent with a beautiful home, would the news actually air this story. I think not.
There were reports of an Italian man who was interested and on his way to Florida to meet her. I'm a little dumbfounded at the whole thing. If a beautiful successful woman can't find a mate, what hope is for the rest of the single population?
Take me for instance. I'll post myself on Ebay."For sale, a home in Victoria to rent for $1920.00 comes complete with an attractive, black woman with a few extra pounds and 5 Children."
Humm, maybe I shouldn't add the 'amount' of children part. Maybe I could say,
"a home in Victoria to rent for $1920.00 comes complete with an attractive, black woman with a few extra pounds and a handful of children."This way I am not really committing to the amount of children that I have. I feel this would be ok as 2 of my children are adults, but they do live here with me. I'm thinking the 'rent' part doesn't sound to appealing either. So, I think it will be a no go for me.
I figured I could pay the rent, but I wanted to ween all those out who would just be free loaders.
"a home in Victoria complete with an attractive black woman some children, for a man who has a job"
So this is what we've come to, a single woman with a house trying to sell their home and themselves on Ebay, what a strange time we live in.
I personally feel it was to draw attention to herself probably for her business. Any sort of promotion and name recognition is huge, and in the real estate business, this was a very smart move on her part.
I am certain that someone will also capitalize on this "selling your home to find a mate" idea on the internet and turn it into some sort of money making scheme.
I know I would.....
Diva M
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Conflict Resolution!
What's that?
Today I feel that I am learning what conflict resolution is. I think most people don't actually achieve resolution, I, am at the top of that list.
I am a fairly confident woman but have areas where I struggle, stuff from my upbringing and simply from living my life.
One area I struggle with is being heard, of being acknowledged, of being accepted. When conflicts have come up in my life (some of them are pretty harsh and of course many are petty.) I have no idea how to function in them.... 2 of my most famous strategies are,
1) fight, fight, fight, fight, fall down from exhaustion; Then wait until the next burst of energy or the next fight.
2)Run like hell away from the conflict. This usually involves hiding, not speaking, randomly ignoring (very hard to do when you live int he same house, outsiders... PIECE OF CAKE! to ignore)
Those 2 fascinating strategies are failures, but, they are what I know.
I have a friend who I am close with, he is male (the kinda species I really don't do well in conflict with) So my friend resembles in personality many of the men I have struggled with all my life; controlling, demanding, pushy, ok.. yes, he has other nice attributes but this is not a describe the good parts of my friend blog.
We have a fairly good relationship we can laugh, plan, encourage etc... but then comes the days when he resembles all the evil conflicts that I have experienced in my life. What does this Diva do? of course! You already know because it's mentioned in my 2 points. Well this friend does not handle my responses when things go amuck. He waits a few days then 'checks in' to find out what is going on. I respond some what but struggle with really expressing myself as I think it will become like the 'other' conflicts that I have had.
He will continue to talk to me going around the mountain chasing me to become real about where I really am. As I open and share my perspective he TOTALLY GETS IT! he listens and hears and acknowledges me where I am at (even if it's EXTREMELY crazy)and then he accepts me. I had no idea that this was a possibility, I had no idea that this was my wrong reaction in what I do and have done in my life. Rather shocking.
I was undone by it.
Now I am scared by it.
But it gives me hope by it.
It was easy (but painful) to go through life thinking, no, KNOWING that all men are assholes. But, through my friend and a couple of very emotional conflicts I have had with him, I have been shown that it's just not true. This is scary to think that I can trust men to be honest, caring, kind and respectful of me.
It has c
hanged so much of how I think.
This give me hope for future relationships, that I might be able to have a healthy relationship that can have conflict resolution.
What a thought!
Diva M
Today I feel that I am learning what conflict resolution is. I think most people don't actually achieve resolution, I, am at the top of that list.
I am a fairly confident woman but have areas where I struggle, stuff from my upbringing and simply from living my life.
One area I struggle with is being heard, of being acknowledged, of being accepted. When conflicts have come up in my life (some of them are pretty harsh and of course many are petty.) I have no idea how to function in them.... 2 of my most famous strategies are,
1) fight, fight, fight, fight, fall down from exhaustion; Then wait until the next burst of energy or the next fight.2)Run like hell away from the conflict. This usually involves hiding, not speaking, randomly ignoring (very hard to do when you live int he same house, outsiders... PIECE OF CAKE! to ignore)
Those 2 fascinating strategies are failures, but, they are what I know.
I have a friend who I am close with, he is male (the kinda species I really don't do well in conflict with) So my friend resembles in personality many of the men I have struggled with all my life; controlling, demanding, pushy, ok.. yes, he has other nice attributes but this is not a describe the good parts of my friend blog.
We have a fairly good relationship we can laugh, plan, encourage etc... but then comes the days when he resembles all the evil conflicts that I have experienced in my life. What does this Diva do? of course! You already know because it's mentioned in my 2 points. Well this friend does not handle my responses when things go amuck. He waits a few days then 'checks in' to find out what is going on. I respond some what but struggle with really expressing myself as I think it will become like the 'other' conflicts that I have had.He will continue to talk to me going around the mountain chasing me to become real about where I really am. As I open and share my perspective he TOTALLY GETS IT! he listens and hears and acknowledges me where I am at (even if it's EXTREMELY crazy)and then he accepts me. I had no idea that this was a possibility, I had no idea that this was my wrong reaction in what I do and have done in my life. Rather shocking.
I was undone by it.
Now I am scared by it.
But it gives me hope by it.
It was easy (but painful) to go through life thinking, no, KNOWING that all men are assholes. But, through my friend and a couple of very emotional conflicts I have had with him, I have been shown that it's just not true. This is scary to think that I can trust men to be honest, caring, kind and respectful of me.
It has c
hanged so much of how I think.This give me hope for future relationships, that I might be able to have a healthy relationship that can have conflict resolution.
What a thought!
Diva M
Friday, June 20, 2008
In The History Of The World....
Well, in the history of the world of a 'Maureen'
This is a very rare time in my life and it will only happen once and it will last for 5 months. I've actually been in it for awhile, but just haven't gotten around to write about it. Never again in the history of this Maureen will it take place, no siree! This my dear friends is a once in a life time happening, and not many people have accomplished this great task, nor will many accomplish it after me. I dont' even think my mother accomplished it, close but no cigar. I have another relative who might have me beat, but she doesn't count. You wonder, what could it be...... I, am the mother of five teenagers!
Yes, my dear son this past year became a teenager, and my oldest is still only 19. I have just a few short days left in this great happening in my life. Then I will be the mother of a twenty year old.
When he became a teenager, it was quite a momentous occasion for him. I know we all want to hear special sound effects as we do something grand, but there never is any fanfare, much less music. But with my youngest son, I think he 'really' hears the fanfare, I think something really gets played for him! This occasion in his life was grand and he truly felt different. He is fortunate!
This also marks the last of my children in Elementary school, as he graduated from grade 7. There was a ceremony and it took quite some time as there were 92 grads, from four classes. Each teacher spoke a spoke a few sentences about each of their students. It was quite nice to hear a little bit about each one, highlighting some of their special or not so special qualities.... typically "they liked to talk... a lot"
So, this is the end of my elementary era! yay...
I only have to get 3 more to graduation!
Diva M
This is a very rare time in my life and it will only happen once and it will last for 5 months. I've actually been in it for awhile, but just haven't gotten around to write about it. Never again in the history of this Maureen will it take place, no siree! This my dear friends is a once in a life time happening, and not many people have accomplished this great task, nor will many accomplish it after me. I dont' even think my mother accomplished it, close but no cigar. I have another relative who might have me beat, but she doesn't count. You wonder, what could it be...... I, am the mother of five teenagers!
Yes, my dear son this past year became a teenager, and my oldest is still only 19. I have just a few short days left in this great happening in my life. Then I will be the mother of a twenty year old.
When he became a teenager, it was quite a momentous occasion for him. I know we all want to hear special sound effects as we do something grand, but there never is any fanfare, much less music. But with my youngest son, I think he 'really' hears the fanfare, I think something really gets played for him! This occasion in his life was grand and he truly felt different. He is fortunate!
This also marks the last of my children in Elementary school, as he graduated from grade 7. There was a ceremony and it took quite some time as there were 92 grads, from four classes. Each teacher spoke a spoke a few sentences about each of their students. It was quite nice to hear a little bit about each one, highlighting some of their special or not so special qualities.... typically "they liked to talk... a lot"
So, this is the end of my elementary era! yay...
I only have to get 3 more to graduation!
Diva M
Monday, June 16, 2008
To Yoga or Not To Yoga???That is My Question!
I took the plunge last January and stepped into 2 classes of Bikram Yoga.
My boss gave me 2 free passes for 2 people for 2 days. I have never done yoga before, and thought it would be something to at least 'try'. My oldest daughter was visiting, so she became the other person for the free pass.
Bikram yoga is HOT yoga! No, no, no, not in the sense that something is 'hot' as in hip, cool, gorgeous... no it's FRICKEN HOT!
Bikram Yoga, also known as Hot Yoga, is a style of yoga developed by Bikram Choudhury and a Los Angeles, California based company[1]. Bikram Yoga is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F (40.5°C) with a humidity of 40%. Classes are guided by specific dialogue including 26 postures and two breathing exercises. Classes last approximately 90-minutes. People of all levels, ages and body types practice and start together as this is a beginning yoga class.
Who in their right mind goes to a small room where the heat is 40.5? Don't people die in that temperature? Well, we head out anyway. I'm wearing a coat as it is winter here and they take us into the room to let us lay down our yoga mats, she suggest that we, as beginners should stay near the door, as it is a little cooler. I just about die! Instantly I can't breathe and am sweating like crazy, I am however still wearing my winter coat.
They tell you as a 'first timer' to try to just STAY IN THE ROOM. Even when you can't do some of the poses, JUST STAY IN THE ROOM! This evokes thoughts of me running to door, begging and pleading to leave and those in charge standing as drill Sargent's yelling out loud resounding "NOs"!
We go in and find our mats and lay down. The room is soooo hot! The heat is supposed to be a good thing for helping your muscles warm up, stretch and it helps to prevent injury. We are to keep silent in the room as well. I'm questioning how this could be for beginners. Like come on, I might need to moan and groan and whee.
We begin.
They start with the beginning breathing exercises, I'm embarrassed to say were quite difficult! The breathing I could do, but keeping my arms high and trying to make my elbows touch, was rather difficult due to the large amount of boobage that I carry.
We carry on and do more of the poses. Each one was rather difficult, you want me to do what? and grab what? which way should my hand go? and then the pose would be over before I would even be close to catching on. I was rather discouraged.
There were a few I could do, not to the full extent, again this brought discouragement. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to be able to stand on one leg with my other leg wrapped around my head 2 times, I just wanted to at least get half way around. (no poses have you wrap your leg around your head, I say that for exaggeration, and some poses do kinda feel that way)
Towards the end we are in savasana (which is to rest) and I look over at my daughter who is silently screaming what the F did you get me into. At the end I wasn't even able to get up to my knees with out feeling dizzy and nauseous. And to think, I had another free day of this..... woo hoo akkkk!
They like you to wait 5 days before coming back.
I waited about 7, then ask my daughter to go back with me, she didn't want to... etc etc... I was VERY discouraged about going, and I really didn't want to go alone I just wanted to back out. Too often in my life, when the going gets hard, I quit. So with determination and a few tips from my boss about modifying the poses I venture out on my own.
I was shocked at how different it was for me, I went in attempting to do the pose to the best of MY ability, and there were points were I could stretch farther than I did last week. I was very proud of myself. I still found at the end that I couldn't get up on my knees with out feeling weird and woozy, so I laid those ones out, (savasana)
My boss gave me 2 free passes for 2 people for 2 days. I have never done yoga before, and thought it would be something to at least 'try'. My oldest daughter was visiting, so she became the other person for the free pass.
Bikram yoga is HOT yoga! No, no, no, not in the sense that something is 'hot' as in hip, cool, gorgeous... no it's FRICKEN HOT!
Bikram Yoga, also known as Hot Yoga, is a style of yoga developed by Bikram Choudhury and a Los Angeles, California based company[1]. Bikram Yoga is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F (40.5°C) with a humidity of 40%. Classes are guided by specific dialogue including 26 postures and two breathing exercises. Classes last approximately 90-minutes. People of all levels, ages and body types practice and start together as this is a beginning yoga class.
Who in their right mind goes to a small room where the heat is 40.5? Don't people die in that temperature? Well, we head out anyway. I'm wearing a coat as it is winter here and they take us into the room to let us lay down our yoga mats, she suggest that we, as beginners should stay near the door, as it is a little cooler. I just about die! Instantly I can't breathe and am sweating like crazy, I am however still wearing my winter coat.
They tell you as a 'first timer' to try to just STAY IN THE ROOM. Even when you can't do some of the poses, JUST STAY IN THE ROOM! This evokes thoughts of me running to door, begging and pleading to leave and those in charge standing as drill Sargent's yelling out loud resounding "NOs"!
We go in and find our mats and lay down. The room is soooo hot! The heat is supposed to be a good thing for helping your muscles warm up, stretch and it helps to prevent injury. We are to keep silent in the room as well. I'm questioning how this could be for beginners. Like come on, I might need to moan and groan and whee.
We begin.
They start with the beginning breathing exercises, I'm embarrassed to say were quite difficult! The breathing I could do, but keeping my arms high and trying to make my elbows touch, was rather difficult due to the large amount of boobage that I carry.
We carry on and do more of the poses. Each one was rather difficult, you want me to do what? and grab what? which way should my hand go? and then the pose would be over before I would even be close to catching on. I was rather discouraged.
There were a few I could do, not to the full extent, again this brought discouragement. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to be able to stand on one leg with my other leg wrapped around my head 2 times, I just wanted to at least get half way around. (no poses have you wrap your leg around your head, I say that for exaggeration, and some poses do kinda feel that way)
Towards the end we are in savasana (which is to rest) and I look over at my daughter who is silently screaming what the F did you get me into. At the end I wasn't even able to get up to my knees with out feeling dizzy and nauseous. And to think, I had another free day of this..... woo hoo akkkk!
They like you to wait 5 days before coming back.
I waited about 7, then ask my daughter to go back with me, she didn't want to... etc etc... I was VERY discouraged about going, and I really didn't want to go alone I just wanted to back out. Too often in my life, when the going gets hard, I quit. So with determination and a few tips from my boss about modifying the poses I venture out on my own.
I was shocked at how different it was for me, I went in attempting to do the pose to the best of MY ability, and there were points were I could stretch farther than I did last week. I was very proud of myself. I still found at the end that I couldn't get up on my knees with out feeling weird and woozy, so I laid those ones out, (savasana)
I left with amazing energy which is unheard of for me. When I exercise It takes so much out of me that I have to almost check out for the whole day. This was amazing and I was hooked for the moment.
A couple weeks later I attend a free class. This one wasn't so good as my gall bladder started to act up. It is common if you have ailments in your body, bikram yoga will help your body bring healing. My tummy nor I was none to fond of the healing process.
The spring comes and my boss decides to give me the gift of yoga! she also gave me this book. Which would help understand some of the modifications that are necessary to help. I smile nicely and cringe inside thinking how am I going to be able to do this?
Just before this time, I had decide to book myself to have the dreaded gall bladder surgery.
I do not recover well from surgery, but with the weight loss success I have been having and walking 2 km 3 times a week, maybe the yoga would help me to continue to lose and would help post op. in the healing process.
Those that are yoga fans, whole heartedly agree that this is the case. So I begin again trying to pay attention to the poses that might be aggravating my gall bladder, attempting to take it easier on myself, and counting down how many more classes I have to go to.
Day 2 completed only 17 more to go!
I don't wear the appropriate clothing for yoga, actually I WEAR clothing, many of the people there wear as little as possible. Bathing suits and teeny tiny 2 piece yoga costumes. The tops are a bit of fabric to cover the private parts and then string to hold them on, and then itty bitty shorts for the bottoms. In my world some clothing is great as it holds in the bulgy parts and absorbs a lot of the sweat, especially when you need to grab your leg, it's not all slippery.
I do however feel out of place in my lack of 'yoga' costume. So as I'm out shopping at a consignment store with with daughter number 2, I find a pair of XL
yoga pants. (I say XL as the XXL were too big YAY!) They were brand new (tags still on) regular price was $89.00 store price $29.99! Then I find a sports bra (tags still on) from the same company around the same price and down to $19.00. 
A new sports bra was really needed as my regular wired bras keep me high chested and off the floor when I am laying on my tummy. They want you to lay flat on the floor, and this just doesn't happen as with large amounts of boobage, you become a bit of a lopsided teeter-tauter.
Well, I couldn't very well pass up on such a great deal, and thought I will look more the part of a yogagoer! All I need was my own mat!
I've been renting a mat for $2.00 each time I go. Over the course of my time I would have given the company $40.00 in mat rental. I thought I would keep my eyes open for a good deal, especially since I might do more in the future.
I started reading the book a few days ago and it said that if I went every day it would HELP me even more. I'm thinking my pass will be over quicker!
This past Sunday I had some free time in the afternoon, so I packed my bag with my new REAL yoga pants and sports bra, still haven't found the right yoga top for me and nor should I just go in the bra, as I think some people do.
After Church and lunch I had to talk myself into going to the studio. It's easy to talk myself out of going. "oh you just ate sushi, you'll feel sick", "oh you are too tired", "you shouldn't go".
Once I'm there I see they have yoga mats on sale, and so I buy my very own yoga mat. I'm really looking the part.
I go to the change room to change, something I don't normally do(due to the FREEness of the women, but that is for another story), I typically come dressed. Down I head to change, I'm really moving into a professional yogagoer!
I venture into the room, this Sunday class isn't too full. I feel great in my new yoga clothes on my new yoga mat and I decide that since this is session 3 for me, I thought I could try to move a little closer into the room, away from the door.
We begin!
Breathing exercises, and I am now realizing that my elbows CAN touch at the end of the cycle! this is good! still not the complete form, but hey! they are touching! And I can do more than I had done before letting my arms drop.
I continue and work as hard as I can at the poses, but by the time we hit the floor I think I'm going to die from the heat, so I move myself back to my corner by the door where it was radically different in temp for me.
I made it though session 3, and plan to try to hit the studio twice a week (I will be able to get through this membership quicker!!)
A couple weeks later I attend a free class. This one wasn't so good as my gall bladder started to act up. It is common if you have ailments in your body, bikram yoga will help your body bring healing. My tummy nor I was none to fond of the healing process.
The spring comes and my boss decides to give me the gift of yoga! she also gave me this book. Which would help understand some of the modifications that are necessary to help. I smile nicely and cringe inside thinking how am I going to be able to do this?Just before this time, I had decide to book myself to have the dreaded gall bladder surgery.
I do not recover well from surgery, but with the weight loss success I have been having and walking 2 km 3 times a week, maybe the yoga would help me to continue to lose and would help post op. in the healing process.
Those that are yoga fans, whole heartedly agree that this is the case. So I begin again trying to pay attention to the poses that might be aggravating my gall bladder, attempting to take it easier on myself, and counting down how many more classes I have to go to.
Day 2 completed only 17 more to go!
I don't wear the appropriate clothing for yoga, actually I WEAR clothing, many of the people there wear as little as possible. Bathing suits and teeny tiny 2 piece yoga costumes. The tops are a bit of fabric to cover the private parts and then string to hold them on, and then itty bitty shorts for the bottoms. In my world some clothing is great as it holds in the bulgy parts and absorbs a lot of the sweat, especially when you need to grab your leg, it's not all slippery.
I do however feel out of place in my lack of 'yoga' costume. So as I'm out shopping at a consignment store with with daughter number 2, I find a pair of XL
yoga pants. (I say XL as the XXL were too big YAY!) They were brand new (tags still on) regular price was $89.00 store price $29.99! Then I find a sports bra (tags still on) from the same company around the same price and down to $19.00. 
A new sports bra was really needed as my regular wired bras keep me high chested and off the floor when I am laying on my tummy. They want you to lay flat on the floor, and this just doesn't happen as with large amounts of boobage, you become a bit of a lopsided teeter-tauter.Well, I couldn't very well pass up on such a great deal, and thought I will look more the part of a yogagoer! All I need was my own mat!
I've been renting a mat for $2.00 each time I go. Over the course of my time I would have given the company $40.00 in mat rental. I thought I would keep my eyes open for a good deal, especially since I might do more in the future.
I started reading the book a few days ago and it said that if I went every day it would HELP me even more. I'm thinking my pass will be over quicker!
This past Sunday I had some free time in the afternoon, so I packed my bag with my new REAL yoga pants and sports bra, still haven't found the right yoga top for me and nor should I just go in the bra, as I think some people do.
After Church and lunch I had to talk myself into going to the studio. It's easy to talk myself out of going. "oh you just ate sushi, you'll feel sick", "oh you are too tired", "you shouldn't go".
Once I'm there I see they have yoga mats on sale, and so I buy my very own yoga mat. I'm really looking the part.
I go to the change room to change, something I don't normally do(due to the FREEness of the women, but that is for another story), I typically come dressed. Down I head to change, I'm really moving into a professional yogagoer!
I venture into the room, this Sunday class isn't too full. I feel great in my new yoga clothes on my new yoga mat and I decide that since this is session 3 for me, I thought I could try to move a little closer into the room, away from the door.
We begin!
Breathing exercises, and I am now realizing that my elbows CAN touch at the end of the cycle! this is good! still not the complete form, but hey! they are touching! And I can do more than I had done before letting my arms drop.
I continue and work as hard as I can at the poses, but by the time we hit the floor I think I'm going to die from the heat, so I move myself back to my corner by the door where it was radically different in temp for me.
I made it though session 3, and plan to try to hit the studio twice a week (I will be able to get through this membership quicker!!)
The verdict is still out on whether or not yoga will help me....
but at least I will look good as I decide
Diva M
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I Hate Band-Aids!
I don't want my heart to break anymore, I really can't take another blow.
I can't handle anymore failure in my life.
I don't think I will be able to breathe....
When you go to take off a band-aid. It pulls and tears and hurts so bad.
First of all, when ever I have to have a needle or something that requires a band-aid, I usually refuse it. The knowledge of how much it's going to hurt prevents me from taking one.
If I do happen to have one when it's time to remove it, I usually try to take it off slowly. I just can't do the quick draw tear, even though it will be instant pain and then the relief will begin.
I guess that's what I do with my life. I go through painful experiences that require a band-aid to protect the wound as it heals. My refusal of the band-aid lets me just run around letting the 'air' get on it, banging it on things where it just never heals properly and then I'm left with a very large tender scar. I carry on in life with this scar always babying it, and introverted on myself and the wound.
Then tiring of the pain I finally look for some help I go for the band-aid and it brings relief. I want to live with the band-aid forever. Something to protect and keep it from being opened up and torn once again.
The band-aid becomes responsible for my well being. But eventually the band-aid get dirty and start to loosen. That's where a tearing comes once again! I HATE IT!
I don't want to see what's underneath, to be honest I don't want to rip it off and see the healing and growth that has and will need to take place. I am too weak... and too scared.
I do much better living behind the mask... just dying inside.... well, not really.
My mask is a mask that I wear even to myself... I just don't want to be real about where my life is right now.....
so I tell myself some things... but I don't say what is really killing me... I am too afraid of that one. So I only share what is obvious... but not what the reality is....
But if I rip it off and let the wound completely heal, I will be able to grow up out of this place and not hurt anymore. I will be stronger.
I need to admit to the truth of where I am, even though I feel overwhelmed and can hardly breathe. I feel lost. I feel fearful. I have no idea how to solve so many of these problems in my life right now.
I am going on a great quote by musician Kevin Proche "whatever is denied, can not be healed"
So from that quote I will not deny the truth of this wounded soul that I carry.
I will be truthful to myself.
I will try to look behind the mask and see what the 'truth' is.
And I will try to take a deep breath and rip off the band-aid.
Diva M
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Can I Grasp The Overwhelming Feeling?
I have a feeling that I can't seem to shake. Actually I can't seem to really put into words what it is. All I can say is that I feel Overwhelmed. I enjoy my job, I have great kids, I am an entertainer, but there is always something missing. Something that is just beyond my grasp.
My move to the big city has been good, but I can't live in the lifestyle that I am accustom to; which tends to be rather lavish. I have to pour most of my money into my accommodations, it's just not right. I am in my forties and I am spinning my wheels to make ends meet, this is one of the things that is just out of my grasp. I feel if I could just jump high enough I just might reach it, and then money wouldn't be a stress anymore. But reality check says, it's a problem, and unfortunately I don't see an end in site.
My relationship has left me with that dirty cotton ball feeling in my mouth. I am alone and lonely. In my relationship I was alone and lonely, which I think is worse. It was a horrible situation where no ones needs got met and no one comes out alive. It's was sad state of affairs. There is no new prospects of a better relationship. I don't' think I even know, or would know how to do a good relationship. This scares me, I like this part out of my grasp, then I still feel safe.
In this move to the big city, I haven't gotten to know people that well, nothing like it was at home. I struggle feeling alone, but it is more in a soulful place. My friends from home, they, know my soul, and it is hard not to live near them. This brings a strange feeling of isolation, I do have chats with them on the phone; but it's the feeling that I can't just slip out and feed that emptiness in my soul. That, is what is just out of my grasp
My body has gone through changes these past months, I've lost 47 pounds! It is quite an accomplishment but the plateau's are not so good. I still have a lot of weight to lose and I feel discouraged in this area as well, it's such a struggle to lose the weight. Another thing just out of my grasp.
No money
No relationship
No Kinship/Friendship
No weight-loss
That's what overwhelming feels like.
Diva M
My move to the big city has been good, but I can't live in the lifestyle that I am accustom to; which tends to be rather lavish. I have to pour most of my money into my accommodations, it's just not right. I am in my forties and I am spinning my wheels to make ends meet, this is one of the things that is just out of my grasp. I feel if I could just jump high enough I just might reach it, and then money wouldn't be a stress anymore. But reality check says, it's a problem, and unfortunately I don't see an end in site.
My relationship has left me with that dirty cotton ball feeling in my mouth. I am alone and lonely. In my relationship I was alone and lonely, which I think is worse. It was a horrible situation where no ones needs got met and no one comes out alive. It's was sad state of affairs. There is no new prospects of a better relationship. I don't' think I even know, or would know how to do a good relationship. This scares me, I like this part out of my grasp, then I still feel safe.
In this move to the big city, I haven't gotten to know people that well, nothing like it was at home. I struggle feeling alone, but it is more in a soulful place. My friends from home, they, know my soul, and it is hard not to live near them. This brings a strange feeling of isolation, I do have chats with them on the phone; but it's the feeling that I can't just slip out and feed that emptiness in my soul. That, is what is just out of my grasp
My body has gone through changes these past months, I've lost 47 pounds! It is quite an accomplishment but the plateau's are not so good. I still have a lot of weight to lose and I feel discouraged in this area as well, it's such a struggle to lose the weight. Another thing just out of my grasp.
No money
No relationship
No Kinship/Friendship
No weight-loss
That's what overwhelming feels like.
Diva M
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Slave No More!
The Wife Of Many!
I'm realizing that in life we have many relationships er, may I say many hats that we wear.
I, being the mother of many children have worn many hats in my 20 years of motherhood. I've been Mother, Father, House Keeper, Doctor, Wife, Lawyer, Judge, Seamstress, Teacher, Prison Guard Counselor just to name a few.
Now that I am older, and can look at different past relationships in my life. I see that there are different people that you need in your life, these 'hats' relationships are necessary to round you out and those you are in relationship with.
I have had many men in my life who I have been the 'wife' to. Not the lover wife, but the wife that meets a certain need in a certain area of that particular persons life. I've been the female friend wife that can listen without personal agendas and feelings, so that he gets his point across. I've been the musician wife to many, they speak in musical terms and emotions and it's an area I live because I'm a musician so understand and can relate to them. I've been the laughing wife, who thinks that everything he says is funny. I've been the encourager wife, who give you that extra push again with no agendas.
I've enjoyed my experiences within these relationships, and I feel in some ways it has helped me to be a better person. I know that it had made some of the REAL wives uncomfortable, some thought that I was looking for something more, but that was never my intention and boundaries never were crossed. I guess a lot of my needs for different husbands in my life was just as necessary, and this need was being met for me.
Diva M
I, being the mother of many children have worn many hats in my 20 years of motherhood. I've been Mother, Father, House Keeper, Doctor, Wife, Lawyer, Judge, Seamstress, Teacher, Prison Guard Counselor just to name a few.
Now that I am older, and can look at different past relationships in my life. I see that there are different people that you need in your life, these 'hats' relationships are necessary to round you out and those you are in relationship with.
I have had many men in my life who I have been the 'wife' to. Not the lover wife, but the wife that meets a certain need in a certain area of that particular persons life. I've been the female friend wife that can listen without personal agendas and feelings, so that he gets his point across. I've been the musician wife to many, they speak in musical terms and emotions and it's an area I live because I'm a musician so understand and can relate to them. I've been the laughing wife, who thinks that everything he says is funny. I've been the encourager wife, who give you that extra push again with no agendas.
I've enjoyed my experiences within these relationships, and I feel in some ways it has helped me to be a better person. I know that it had made some of the REAL wives uncomfortable, some thought that I was looking for something more, but that was never my intention and boundaries never were crossed. I guess a lot of my needs for different husbands in my life was just as necessary, and this need was being met for me.
Diva M
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Lights Camera Action
The band has just performed their first show, it will be the first of many to come!
The on stage connection was excellent, it was just as we practiced in rehearsals. All the songs came together and together we pulled ourselves to another level.
We were mighty pleased with our performance. Our only negative was, due to the lack of a proper sound check, we had a flood of volume on stage, and lack of monitor volume. I relied a lot on memory as I couldn't even here myself within myself. No biggie, as the show MUST go on.
I feel honored to play with these talented men, and I have learned a lot by working with them. I guess the talent rubs off and spills on others, I certainly am great full for that!
I was quite excited about the gig, which is a rare thing for me. I'm usually pretty subdued for the most part mingled with a bit of fear. This was not the case, I was excited and not fear full at all. Apparently I was over dressed as it was a dance for mostly hippies! But I came as I want to be represented. Classy.
The let down was a lot for me, I felt pretty blue the next day and was suffering from exhaustion, my office gig definitely suffered. But the show must go on.
My personal life was suffering over the weekend too and much that went on has left me rather rattled. For many things in life, time is the healer for just about everything, I have time for the most part so let the healing begin!
What's up ahead? I have a few more shows this month and I am looking forward to them, lots of work but VERY rewarding! I'm looking forward to my future and looking forward to when the lights from the camera a super BRIGHT!
Diva M
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