Thursday, June 12, 2008
I don't want my heart to break anymore, I really can't take another blow.
I can't handle anymore failure in my life.
I don't think I will be able to breathe....
When you go to take off a band-aid. It pulls and tears and hurts so bad.
First of all, when ever I have to have a needle or something that requires a band-aid, I usually refuse it. The knowledge of how much it's going to hurt prevents me from taking one.
If I do happen to have one when it's time to remove it, I usually try to take it off slowly. I just can't do the quick draw tear, even though it will be instant pain and then the relief will begin.
I guess that's what I do with my life. I go through painful experiences that require a band-aid to protect the wound as it heals. My refusal of the band-aid lets me just run around letting the 'air' get on it, banging it on things where it just never heals properly and then I'm left with a very large tender scar. I carry on in life with this scar always babying it, and introverted on myself and the wound.
Then tiring of the pain I finally look for some help I go for the band-aid and it brings relief. I want to live with the band-aid forever. Something to protect and keep it from being opened up and torn once again.
The band-aid becomes responsible for my well being. But eventually the band-aid get dirty and start to loosen. That's where a tearing comes once again! I HATE IT!
I don't want to see what's underneath, to be honest I don't want to rip it off and see the healing and growth that has and will need to take place. I am too weak... and too scared.
I do much better living behind the mask... just dying inside.... well, not really.
My mask is a mask that I wear even to myself... I just don't want to be real about where my life is right now.....
so I tell myself some things... but I don't say what is really killing me... I am too afraid of that one. So I only share what is obvious... but not what the reality is....
But if I rip it off and let the wound completely heal, I will be able to grow up out of this place and not hurt anymore. I will be stronger.
I need to admit to the truth of where I am, even though I feel overwhelmed and can hardly breathe. I feel lost. I feel fearful. I have no idea how to solve so many of these problems in my life right now.
I am going on a great quote by musician Kevin Proche "whatever is denied, can not be healed"
So from that quote I will not deny the truth of this wounded soul that I carry.
I will be truthful to myself.
I will try to look behind the mask and see what the 'truth' is.
And I will try to take a deep breath and rip off the band-aid.